“YOU CAN’T NOT COMMUNICATE.” (Paul Watzlawick)
We meet different people every day and shape our relationships with our words and actions. Whether professionally or privately, communication and interaction are central elements of our lives.
There are times when everything runs like clockwork. We are healthy, successful at work and get on well with everyone. And then there may be times that are difficult. Most difficulties can be overcome. Mind games do not refer to everyday obstacles – they are more about relationships in which manipulation is involved alongside entrenched patterns of behavior. This robs us of a lot of energy, wears on our nerves, is unhealthy and has the potential to draw us into a negative spiral.
Knowledge is power
Perhaps, but in any case, knowledge brings clarity.
The better we understand the roles in mind games, the better we can become an observer of a situation and not be completely caught up in it. This gives us the distance we need to see through manipulation and thwart or at least defuse it.
In a mind game, the roles of the participants are usually defined in the so-called “Drama triangle” (according to Stephen Karpman): Victims, persecutors and rescuers.
Let’s take a closer look at these roles by describing a somewhat exaggerated picture of each role.
The victim role: The victim assumes a passive position. They like to moan, are unhappy, believe themselves to be powerless at the mercy of fate and see themselves as flawless.
The pursuer role: The persecutor is a harsh critic who acts sternly and condescendingly. He likes sweeping and condemning statements. In the worst cases, he is choleric, shouts and throws accusations and even threats around. The persecutor considers himself strong, assertive and absolutely unable to tolerate criticism.
The savior role: The savior likes to act as a protector, treats others like little children, teaches and wants to bind other people to himself through his work. His self-image is characterized by strength, balance and selflessness.
Each of these roles has a legitimate meaning in its moderate origin and can be lived by both men and women. In the context of manipulation and mind games, however, these roles take on an exaggerated and unhealthy form.
Although we are talking about a “game” here, it has little to do with fun. From one’s own perspective, every role has a “good” intention, which is to fulfill one’s own needs and confirm one’s own world view.
Each of us has our “favorite role”. Observe your own behavior and get to know your trigger points. Which statements make you angry? When do you tend to justify yourself or take on tasks that completely exceed your capacities?
Take a closer look and increase the time between the external event and your reaction to it. This will help you learn to change your role – because roles are never static!
From this perspective, none of the three roles has a particularly sympathetic or even desirable function.
But why do manipulation and mind games still take place? Each role pursues the goal of scoring a point for itself and raking in the winnings:
The victim does not have to take responsibility and “ideally” gets away without consequences.
The pursuer is gaining power. His world remains divided into black and white and he feels extremely vindicated in his view.
The savior feels like a hero who goes through life waving a flag and celebrating his supposed selflessness and strength. Unfortunately, those who look after others have no time to look after themselves.
The more often you manage to jump into the observer position, the better you will be able to get out of this “game” or even better: not to get involved in the first place!
